


Suspension of Disbelief

by cadkitten



Category: Dir en grey
Genre: Angst, Blood, Cutting, Fluff, Gen, M/M, POV First Person, Romance, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-22
Updated: 2014-07-22
Packaged: 2018-02-09 22:52:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,094
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2001003
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cadkitten/pseuds/cadkitten
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's been ten long years since I first came to know you, ten years in which I have found solace in your presence and comfort in your ways.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Suspension of Disbelief

**Author's Note:**

> Something I've had half done for a long time and figured I'd finally finish. Sorry for the depressing. SERIOUS TRIGGER WARNINGS  
> Beta Readers: sakura_ame  
> Song[s]: "LOTUS (Symphonic Ver.)" by Dir en grey

Die POV

It's been ten long years since I first came to know you, ten years in which I have found solace in your presence and comfort in your ways. We have been a part of one another's lives from the start, even if no one else knew for the first five or so. Some part of me still regrets hiding it for that long, but it was what we had to do... what had to happen. Something about our personal lives and the life surrounding the band didn't quite mesh until long after we'd found one another. When it did, though, it was the best feeling in the entire world. The freedom to be myself and glorious feeling of the first time you ever laid your hand on my shoulder in such a tender way in front of everyone else. It was our way of telling them, to simply begin slipping in the facts alongside the rest.

Kaoru caught on first, I know he did. The way he gazed at us for the first while and then the knowing aversion of his eyes telling all that it needed to. Shinya took longer, but he figured it out one day, too. I could see the instant the recognition took hold. Your hair cascaded between my fingertips as I carded them through your blond locks and that was the moment that the knowing sparkle entered his eyes. Toshiya though... it took him almost a year to actually find the truth in our actions. It took something blatant for it to sink in for him, perhaps because he's always been a bit more affectionate in his touches than others. But the day you leaned back into my arms, closing your eyes and surrendering yourself to my caring touches was the day he found the true path of our relationship. And rather than being silent, I remember him giving us a shocked look and then pointing between us as he gasped out, "How long?" and when we replied he looked more surprised than I'd ever anticipated.

Now, here we are, years later and still tucked into one another's arms. You're cradled against me in the warm nest of our bed and I don't honestly think you realize I'm awake yet. I can feel your movements and how much tension you're carrying in your body. The stiff way you shift in my arms and the strained way you're breathing hitches tell me everything I need to know. Most people would have assumed something different from your actions, but to me they are the predecessor to one of the more painful parts of our relationship. I know what you've been needing for weeks now, but I always skirt the issue, unable to bring it up on my own. But eventually you'll lose it and I'll slide into the position I've always taken with it: one of the protector, the guardian.

When you pull away from me just barely to reach into the bedside drawer, I let you, allowing my arms to seem as though they are still limp with sleep around you. If you know I'm awake right now, you won't do it and you'll just bottle it up even more. Finally, you find what you're looking for and ease yourself back down against me, the sound of the small leather pouch's zipper being opened meeting my ears. There's a few moments and a few sharp, jerky movements later. The scent of your blood drifts on the air and I finally open my eyes, taking in the breath of it as you draw another sharp line over your body.

There was a time when I once thought it'd be wise to stop you, to pull you back from the self-destruction. But now, I know you need it and it is simply something I cannot replace. There's no need to and you have grounded yourself enough to know when to stop and when you need it before your mental state simply falls apart. Regulation was the key, not stopping you completely. I still remember the first time you did it on stage and the horror in my gaze as I realized what was happening. But as time went on, it was easier like that. Someone to see you, some reason to quell you before it got out of hand... it was simpler. 

I feel you draw another line, a sharp jerk of your hand as you rip open the flesh beneath your fingertips. You're panting now, rubbing your face against the pillow in a way that tells me it's working in all the right ways. I push myself up a little and draw back the covers enough to see what you're doing. There's blood across the sheets under your arm and only two of your wounds are visible in my position.

I know it shouldn't be, but sometimes when I watch you, when I see your pain, when I watch the way you long for the release that each line you create will give you, it drives me to the realization of how beautiful you really are. The look in your eyes as you lightly finger your weapon of choice... the breath you take just before you strike... and then the sweet, sweet release as you draw the line across your skin. Those few moments before the blood wells up and slides down your skin, dripping down... those are the moments I will remember the most, because those are the ones in which you are floating free; nothing between you and the emotions swirling around.

You create three more before wiping your implement off on the bed and pushing it back into the case. By now you're a panting mess and I simply ease you back into the cradle of my arms, sliding one leg over yours and lacing our fingers as I peer down at the wounds you've made, gauging if you're okay or not. None of them are as deep as they have been in the past and I simply let them be, providing myself as your blanket for the time being.

It takes nearly an hour before you finally calm back down, the smallest of apologies leaving your lips when you come down off it. I press my lips to your ear and offer you the kindest of words, telling you just how much I love you and that this is never something to apologize for. The words are familiar, an eternal embrace between us, but necessary each time despite the repetition of it all.

**The End**


End file.
